Listen, the problem isn’t that Hollywood has run out of ideas. It ran out of ideas a long time ago. The problem is, Hollywood doesn’t even know what an idea is anymore.
Michael Eisner’s office. He is speaking to his personal assistant.
Eisner: Last night. I was taking off my shirt — and I noticed in my belly button — this fuzzy stuff.
Assistant: Really?
Eisner: Yeah. Spontaneous fuzz. I think there might be a story in it.
Assistant: What direction were you thinking of going in with the… fuzz. Horror? Sci-fi?
Eisner: More along the lines of an environmental cautionary tale. Every man, woman, and child in America wakes up one morning to discover that their belly button has become a toxic dump site for…
Assistant: Lint?
Eisner: Sends a shudder down your spine, doesn’t it.
The assistant looks confused.
Eisner: Maybe Julia Roberts could star in it.
Assistant: Erin Brockovich 2?
Eisner: Why not?
Long silence from Eisner.
Eisner: Christ. I hope she doesn’t have an outtie.
Another morning.
Eisner: Have you ever noticed how when your eyelids open and close kind of slowly, there’s this… well, the only way to put it is — darkness. Usually you don’t notice, I mean your eyelids move so fast. But if you slow them down…
Assistant: There’s this… darkness.
Eisner: Exactly! Now try and imagine this. An entire film — presented in Blink-O-Vision. The tag could be something like: Don’t blink… or you’ll miss it!
Assistant: Should that go in the press release? Or do you want to save it for the one on one with Premier?
A more recent morning.
Eisner is chewing something and reading a small unfolded piece of paper. He laughs.
Eisner: Bazooka Joe. That guy really cracks me up.
Assistant: You do know, sir, we own that property.
Eisner: You’re shittin’ me!
Eisner swallows gum and begins to choke. Personal assistant performs Heimlich maneuver. After a moment or two, the gum pops out of Eisner’s mouth.
Eisner: All this time, we’ve been sitting on top a gold mine and I didn’t even know it. Bazooka Fuckin’ Joe. And he’s ours.
Assistant: Along with Mort, Cindy, Jake and the whole Bazooka Joe gang.
Eisner: Just think of the merchandising possibilities.
The personal assistant takes a moment to think about the merchandising possibilities before offering:
Assistant: Gum?
Eisner: It’s a natural. We could hold a nation wide contest and stick chewed gum under theater seats. If you find the special gum, you win a big cash prize!
Assistant: (trying not to make a face) Chewed gum? Under seats?
Eisner doesn’t respond. He’s lost in a reverie.
Eisner: Bazooka Joe: The Movie. It’ll be the biggest thing since…
Assistant: Navel lint?
Eisner: Bigger. I’m talking big, big.
Assistant: Even bigger than Blink-O-Vision?
Eisner: Oh, yeah. It’s got Blink-O-Vision beat all to hell.
Some final thoughts on the possibility of a Bazooka Joe movie. What else can we say, except…
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Jim Rutherford
Nancy Louise Rutherford
Lou Aguilar
The Misfits
I think you’re missing the point, here – it’s marketing genius, I tell you. Now, lets see…. oh, that’s right – 3D glasses in the shape of Joe’s eye patch (+ the collectible version, ‘natch). And the lucky ‘chewed gum’ under the seats: where do these brilliant ideas come from??
Now – if there was only some way to combine the belly button lint and chewing gum – kinda like “…you got chocolate on my peanut butter…” and vice-versa. The sequels are practically writing themselves.