Join the Misfits for an evening at the Oscars — or anyway in front of a big screen TV, watching the Oscars.  All the predictability and tedium of the original three and a half hour show in less than a third of the time.  It’s a show Lou enthusiastically describes as “nice.”

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The 82nd Academy Awards to feature TEN nominees!

That’s AMPAS president Sid Ganis in the picture, looking all pleased with himself after making this riveting announcement.  Notice he’s backed by two posters exhorting the anniversary of what many believe to be the greatest year in American Cinema, 1939.  Perhaps Sid is under the impression that 2009 will be the next 1939.  Sid, dream on.

This.  Is.  So.  Wrong.

Ten nominees?  Heck.  I can barely remember what the top five are every year.  How ’bout you?  Think about last year.  Can you name the five nominees?  In 3, 2, 1… Go!

Tick, tick, tick….time’s almost up.

Bong!  Time’s up.  How did you do?

(It was, in case you care, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Frost/Nixon (yeah, like that ever had a chance), Milk, The Reader (another “filler”), and the big winner, Slumdog Millionaire.)

Now, can you remember anything that was nominated the year before that?

The Academy claims that this will be a way to broaden the spectrum, allowing more overlooked, less mainstream films to garner a nomination.  Finally, Michael Bay can sit near the front of the audience at the Kodak Theater and hope, hope, hope that his latest epic, Transformers, Revenge of the Fallen will get the nod.

He will, of course, be surrounded by a surfeit of producers of quirky indie productions, all of whom will have, by that time, convinced themselves that their Wes Anderson derivative movie will have been good enough to propel them to the podium to pick up their golden statuette.  Wes might be joining them.  Fantastic Mr. Fox is due for release in November.

Another theory is that the Academy is looking at this as a kind of economic stimulus…as in, box office numbers always rise for a film that garners a Best Picture nod.  So, if it works for five films, why not spread the wealth for ten?

Why not?  Ever hear of DVDs, AMPAS?  How about Netflix?  Do you all really think I’m gonna hit my neighborhood multiplex and plunk  down twelve bucks for ten films when I barely do that for the usual five?

AMPAS is quick to point out that the whole ten nominee thing is not new.  The last time it happened was in 1943.  Here are the nominees.

For Whom the Bell Tolls (Paramount)

Heaven Can Wait (Twentieth Century-Fox)

The Human Comedy (MGM)

In Which We Serve (Two Cities; United Artists)

Madame Curie (MGM)

The More the Merrier (Columbia)

The Ox-Bow Incident (Twentieth Century-Fox)

The Song of Bernadette (Twentieth Century-Fox)

Watch on the Rhine (Warner Bros.)

Casablanca (Warner Bros.)

Ohhhhhh, check out the diversity on that list.  There’s some comedies, some dramas, and a few war flicks.  War flicks are basically dramas, right?  And which of these ten were really Oscar worthy?  Oh, about five of them.  And The Ox-Bow incident didn’t win, so…meh!  I mean, really…when was the last time anyone sat through and actually enjoyed The Song of Bernadette or Madame Curie?  I have the answer.  Never.  You can throw Watch on the Rhine onto that list, too. The Human Comedy is pretty brutal as well.

(However, The More the Merrier is still pretty snappy.  Check it out next time it makes its way through the TCM rotation).

Plus, can you imagine how bloated the already over-bloated Oscar ceremony will be with, not five, but ten Best Picture nominees?  Oh, good lord, kill me now.

PREDICTIONS!

The staff of Cinema Misfits takes their best guess at which 10 films in next year’s Best Picture catagory will be nominated.

Michael Eisner’s office. He is speaking to his personal assistant.

Eisner: Last night. I was taking off my shirt — and I noticed in my belly button — this fuzzy stuff.

Assistant: Really?

Eisner: Yeah. Spontaneous fuzz. I think there might be a story in it.

Assistant: What direction were you thinking of going in with the… fuzz. Horror? Sci-fi?

Eisner: More along the lines of an environmental cautionary tale. Every man, woman, and child in America wakes up one morning to discover that their belly button has become a toxic dump site for…

Assistant: Lint?

Eisner: Sends a shudder down your spine, doesn’t it.

The assistant looks confused.

Eisner: Maybe Julia Roberts could star in it.

Assistant: Erin Brockovich 2?

Eisner: Why not?

Long silence from Eisner.

Eisner: Christ. I hope she doesn’t have an outtie.

Another morning.

Eisner: Have you ever noticed how when your eyelids open and close kind of slowly, there’s this… well, the only way to put it is — darkness. Usually you don’t notice, I mean your eyelids move so fast. But if you slow them down…

Assistant: There’s this… darkness.

Eisner: Exactly! Now try and imagine this. An entire film — presented in Blink-O-Vision. The tag could be something like: Don’t blink… or you’ll miss it!

Assistant: Should that go in the press release? Or do you want to save it for the one on one with Premier?

A more recent morning.
Eisner is chewing something and reading a small unfolded piece of paper. He laughs.

Eisner: Bazooka Joe. That guy really cracks me up.

Assistant: You do know, sir, we own that property.

Eisner: You’re shittin’ me!

Eisner swallows gum and begins to choke. Personal assistant performs Heimlich maneuver. After a moment or two, the gum pops out of Eisner’s mouth.

Eisner: All this time, we’ve been sitting on top a gold mine and I didn’t even know it. Bazooka Fuckin’ Joe. And he’s ours.

Assistant: Along with Mort, Cindy, Jake and the whole Bazooka Joe gang.

Eisner:  Just think of the merchandising possibilities.

The personal assistant takes a moment to think about the merchandising possibilities before offering:

Assistant: Gum?

Eisner: It’s a natural. We could hold a nation wide contest and stick chewed gum under theater seats. If you find the special gum, you win a big cash prize!

Assistant: (trying not to make a face) Chewed gum? Under seats?

Eisner doesn’t respond. He’s lost in a reverie.

Eisner: Bazooka Joe: The Movie. It’ll be the biggest thing since…

Assistant: Navel lint?

Eisner: Bigger. I’m talking big, big.

Assistant: Even bigger than Blink-O-Vision?

Eisner: Oh, yeah. It’s got Blink-O-Vision beat all to hell.

Some final thoughts on the possibility of a Bazooka Joe movie.  What else can we say, except…

Be afraid.  Be very afraid.