ASTRO BOY. Hey, I can understand wanting to replace your dead son with a robot. You’re a futuristic Geppetto, you got the smarts and the tech to do it, knock yourself out. But I gotta say, if I’m the one responsible for deep-sixing my kid (even if it was an accident), I might not equip his robot replacement with hands that turn into blasters and machine guns that pop out of his butt. I mean, let’s face it, dad’s pretty much the one proven threat the kid might have. So if it’s me designing the robot, I’d lose the anal hardware and stick with the jets in the feet.
THE DAMNED UNITED. Movies with damn in the title — they’re a small but blasphemous bunch. You got your damn musicals (Damn Yankees), you got your damn historical adventures (Damn the Defiant!), and you got your damn horror flicks (Village of the Damned, Queen of the Damned). Now, add to the list: The Damned United. And, no, it’s not a movie about a bunch of airline passengers stuck on the tarmac for three hours.
Michael Sheen plays an English soccer coach who takes a winning team from first to last place. It’s sort of like The Natural, except with soccer, and not only do they lose the big game, they never even make it to it. Hey, happy endings are overrated. Anyway, this is a damn good story about the loss of loyalty and friendship. I’m in!
MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN. With a title like Midnight Meat Train, I was hoping for a little softcore action, but no, it wasn’t to be (sadly, the filmmakers chose a different direction to go in). No. No. No. No. No. What we have here is an OK movie that might have received a theatrical release with a different title. Course the stupid ending doesn’t help, and the film could definitely do with a little more, shall we say, female meat. Lucky for Midnight Meat Train, they don’t grade movies like they do meat, ’cause no way is this thing getting the USDA Choice Prime rating. It’s more like ground chuck–a day or two from expiration. Still…I’m in!